Abortion

It’s been exactly one month since my medical abortion and I spent time crying last night about what my baby will be like at 15 weeks old this week. It was supposed to be my first child and I am 32 going on 33 in 2 months. Currently, I am not happy and hate that my abortion was the result of 2 people who chose not to have protected sex and many other factors of course. I feel like an ignorant teenager saying that. I mean yes, I did take the required sex education course when I was in middle school BUT no one taught me at HOME to value my body/womb, to WAIT to have sex after getting to know the man’s motives, etc. I spent my whole 20s living with a mentally ill mother and disabled sister I took care of and never had the chance to really date just to have/gain experience. I never had a boyfriend in middle/high school either. In other words, I was only truly sexually active/dating around August 2021 but I went into the dating game completely unprepared emotionally and physically. I was just so stupid and put myself in so many dangerous situations in the name of a man and his attention. The red flags were always there but I didn’t love myself enough to shut it down and move forward…or at least stop myself and turn in a different direction for my betterment. 

I’ll never forget, he asked if I wanted to have sex without a condom, and I said yes assuming he was going to pull out or “finish off” in a bathroom (I had sex with men who had done this). But he ejaculated in me (the first time a man did that to me) and for some reason warned me of the consequences like he wasn’t a participant in this. I just stood frozen and naked, watching him go to the bathroom to clean himself up. My mind wasn’t there. Prior, he talked about an ex who had an abortion and how it mentally affected him as apparently he WANTED this child and both actively had sex to get pregnant. They were both in their mid 20’s. 

Mind you, he is 29 years old. No GED, no job, lives with roommates in Miami, is spoiled and unmotivated as he’s a native American, and gets reparation money from the government and free assets like a truck from his tribe. Plus he drinks a lot of alcohol and spends most of his day, skateboarding, smoking pot, and hanging at bars. 

For 2 weeks after I came home from visiting him for the first time (we “met” on a dating app in August/September 2022…yeah…stupid choice), he talked about how if I was pregnant he was going to “keep me forever” and passively told me not to get an abortion IF I become pregnant. I agreed with him so willingly and ignorantly…

Well, on December 30th, 2022 I texted him I was pregnant and everything went 180 for about two months before my abortion. Suddenly he didn’t want to be a father and started to scold me for being very relationship-oriented (which is weird as HE was the one who wanted to be in a relationship with me…I guess he didn’t want to do the work to MAINTAIN a relationship i.e. better communication). He also expressed how it was annoying that I was so “parent-to-be oriented” (i.e. resharing Instagram reels of moms, motherhood, babies, childbirth, etc.)

I WANTED THIS BABY. Until…the pregnancy symptoms got worse, my mental health got severely worse, combined with him being a straight-up incompetent selfish asshole and other factors regarding finances, education advancement (I already have a B.A degree), mental health (I was very suicidal), etc. I MADE THIS CHOICE ON MY OWN to get an abortion. I remember crying uncontrollably after work to my mom that I didn’t want to be a single mother and she expressed “well I have done it, your aunts and cousins too”….but I DON’T want to be a baby mama…especially in my 30s…I don’t want to deal with child support, and custody battles, especially as he’s native and they have their own court system that could and WILL side with him… 

He admitted later when I was pregnant that he still talks to his other ex (not the one who got the abortion), of 10 years to help each other “move on”. Such bullcrap, apparently her being so “toxic and abusive” didn’t matter?… I was so stupid believing his lies. 

The day of my abortion, when I took the first pill with the doctor present, it was a relief, knowing I don’t have to be “stuck” with him “karmically” anymore…I made the choice. But 2 days after taking my second set of pills I felt the fetus pass (literally after my therapy appointment…what are the odds…) and it was horrendous and I broke down. I was 11 weeks so it was a painful process. It wasn’t just “a bunch of cells” that passed…a small humanoid was forming…I didn’t look of course…but I knew what it was. 

A potential I will never be able to see, kiss, hug, and love…

I used my own student loan refund (I am in an M.A. program) to pay for this abortion…my now ex’s father was willing to pay for it but honestly…having a 29 YEARS OLD MAN-CHILD own freaking father paying for the abortion was embarrassing.  I didn’t need their money. I haven’t spoken to him in a month. He is dead to me now. He tried contacting me 3 days ago and I deleted and blocked it without a second thought. 

This whole experience changed how I view love, relationships, men, pregnancy, children…myself…forever.